Ineluctable impasse

A wants to show B that he can actually be with B, the way he actually lives, in the world beyond B. Nonchalant. Practical. Strong when it matters. But being any of this means silence and distance from B. In which case B will never know what A is.

The worst part of the quandary is that, either ways, B doesnt care what A is. But A desperately wants to show it.

A deserves a slap. I obliged.

Still, God save A.

Lost

So you had a good time with it in the beginning?

Yes. Very much. I still can vividly recollect the first time I got it and the effort that had gone into making it possible. This thing that I had, I worshipped. I cared for it more than anything in the world. I did everything just to make sure it stayed with me.

What happened then?

Slowly, without my realization, it turned into my obsession and my weakness. Its very thought became a kind of background activity in my mind's processor, 24x7. I became dangerously possissive. I began to feel that I OWNED it, in every sense.

How did it react?

This thing, insensitive and indifferent, never understood any of this. It never talked to me. How could it? It was dumb. And I have always been deaf to subconscious communications. But I sensed, wrongly I can say, that it considered me more equal to it than others.

And then?

Over time possessing it became a liability to my existence and I continued hanging on to it only because the memories, of the above said effort and the initial days spent with it, were still very strong.

Did it end then? This nexus?

Finally, after 18 months of a real strong bonding, I managed to lose it yesterday. It actually had a shelf life of another year and I had actually resolved to keep it with me for that long, even if it meant insanity. But destiny had its ways and I was only too human, weak and immature, to stick to my resolution. I bruised it to the core. Even the stone heart that it had, surprisingly gave way, and broke to pieces.

I am sorry.But..

Yes. Possessing it had its own ups and downs.But on an average, I was happy and consider myself lucky that I had it with me for this long.

How does it feel in its absence?

Its been over a day now. First time in 18 months I have no clue where it is or what it is doing. But surprisingly, I am quite cool about its loss. Afterall, I decided to get rid of it. So I cant crib. I had a very painful night yesterday, but I feel it is manageable. I am getting used to its absence pretty fast. I wouldnt say I am happy. But definitely I am not sad.

Would you like to tell it something?

It wont read this. But yes. I want it to know, somehow, that,
a..being possessive is not my natural trait.
b..circumstances made me a bad guy with bad thoughts.
c..and it was the most beautiful thing that I ever possessed.

Quality from birth..

.. wont go even if you burn it. So goes a Kannada adage.

After the longest of the longer long times, I gave a test today. Logic Masters 2007: an online puzzle test to select the best puzzle solving brains (ya ya.. I still wrote that one. Whose father's what goes eh?) to represent India at the world championship in Bbbbraaazillll.

My aim was to improve on my last year's AIR of 44. If that means being in top 3, I will be happy, but India@WPC.. paapa only. Anyways, I set a modest 300 as my target in a grand total of 1000. After 3 and 1/2 hours and infinite piss breaks (Its a puzzle test for christ's sake! Still the same JEE types nervousness), I thought I had scored 307. I am GOD!

But the GOD in me left in a jiffy when the score sheet showed 277. Careful analysis showed that I had mis-entered the values for one question from paper to the flash movie. 30 points went down the drain just like that.

Memories came rushing in. Did they? Not exactly. It was only when I told this to mom thAT she opened the safely locked flood gates.

CET.. JEE.. CAT.. he he.. different commode, same shit. I shall never stop making silly mitakes. Birth quality you see.

Result will be out in a couple of days. Hope I better the 44.